i have been feeling fake okay lately

like i am inside a dark room and i decided to paint it pink and pretend it’s not really dark anymore

except it is

and i am so scared to let this all out because i’m weak

god i’m so weak and so awful to myself

i make happiness almost impossible for me

and i am so mean, too

i just want to scream at him and tell him i don’t want to see him again

but i do and i hate being so clingy to someone who isn’t making me happy

like he literally forgets about me for a whole week and i am the one who has to go on and talk to him

which is hilarious bc last thing i remember is him saying how he desperately wants to keep in touch, when i said we didn’t have to

and well fuck me right? this has been great man, kudos to you

lol

and the worst part is that probably the next time i see him i will be convincing myself that this is good for me

that he is worth all of this

the fuck is wrong with me

i cannot even tell my best friend all this i’m feeling 

because i always end up defending him and saying i’m happy with this

i’m not

i need to get out of this

except watch me dig deeper into this never-ending cycle